Unemployment Day 173 - By Lazy Dude

Number of days unemployed: 173

Number of interviews: 23

Number of offers: ZERO

Let's face it, it's STILL a tough market out there, ESPECIALLY with girls running around in short tops and shirts making senior bankers cream in their pants. I gotta go the EXTRA mile. In that regard, I have draft a cover letter that I am now sending along with my stellar CV. Have a look!

Dear [Bank],

Thank you for taking the time to review my resume. I also wanted to take this opportunity to quickly introduce myself and give some additional color on my background and experience.

Passion:

Banking is my passion. My father was a banker, his father was a banker and his father's father was a banker. A family heirloom - a solid gold tablet - tells of an ancestor who collected "tributes" from peasants and lent it back to them at very high rates of interest. If the borrowers didn't pay back they would "disappear." It was a simpler and better time. Had he also employed derivative contracts and destroyed the Asia economy... well then he would have essentially inventing the modern day banking system. If elephants with swollen feet wore shoes, that would be the size I have to fill...

Experience:

I worked three-years at a top-tier investment bank where I basically lorded over like a king. My modeling skills are unparalleled. Look, I know a lot of tier-1 "wanna-bes," "posers," and "real tier-1 haters" SAY they are good at modeling, but in reality they cling on to their mouse like they do to mediocrity. Half the keys on my modeling keyboard have been ripped out, mostly as the result of repeatedly bashing it over the heads of tier-2 monkeys, to allow me to model faster. Let me put it into perspective: If modeling were say a dinosaur, I'd be a T-Rex - the biggest baddest motherfker around. If it were say an element on the periodic table, I'd be Cesium (CS) - the biggest baddest motherfker around. If it were say an analyst at a real top-tier investment bank, well I'd be myself - the biggest baddest motherfker around. Is it clear to you now?

Personal:

To me 120+ work weeks were like a walk in the park full of cakes, lollipops and rainbows. And while tier-2 analysts complained and dropped like fat girls at a Victoria's Secret party, I trained my body to convert coffee into energy at the efficiency of E=MC(2). Naturally during my time off, I've accomplished more than a Noble Laureate would in an entire lifetime.

Month 1 - I organized a charity trip to Taipei with several of my friends. Needless to say, several underprivileged, impoverished ladies, most of whom would not have gone to college, now have the funds to pay for the educations.

Month 2 - Trained with Shaolin monks on Shaolin mountain. Learned the "Iron Balls" technique. Kicked Jet Li's ass after four weeks of INTENSE training.

Month 3 - Focus was on body and form. Hit the gym for several hours a day. Drank protein shakes like I was suckling on Miranda Kerr's breast. Learned how to break dance and set to appear as Usher's "dance double" in his upcoming video (because that clown can't dance in real life).

Month 4 - Furthered the Keynesian Economic Model in the paper "The Trickle Down Theory is Like Getting Pissed on and I'm the One with my Fly Open."

Month 5 - Trained with Master Yoda on Dagobah. Promoted to Jedi Master. Mind-trick will come in handy in winning banking business in PRC and getting ladies back to the crib.

Month 6 - Swoon through the stacks and stacks of banking offers to determine which bank, if any, should be blessed with my supreme presence.

Success:

The millions of dollars in business I will bring in will be the product of one very simple concept, the parabola. For you public school educated folk, a parabola is the shape of a boob turned upward so the nipple faces the sky. In short, I will take CEOs on a wild roller-coaster ride where the final stop will ultimately be them handing over millions in fees.

First point of the parabola - handshake handshake and handshake. After a year of employment, call up any important CEO in Asia and asked them if they have shook my hand. The answer will be simple, "GAN, 当然有." Second point of the parabola- excessive flattery. The onslaught of compliments will be so thick he will feel like he's on a weekend trip with his third or four mistress. Third point of the parabola- gouging of fees. At this point he will feel so high he will sign anything. And if he doesn't I'll use the Jedi Mind Trick to make him sign, plus a 1% hike for my troubles.

Conclusion:

At this point you've probably realized that an interview is not even necessary. So go ahead and just post your offer letters into this post and I'll respond accordingly, if it deserves my attention. Thank you for your time.

Regards,

Lazy Dude.

Why Woman Have It Easy: SLUT IT UP - By BigBaller

So there I was sitting in a non-descriptive 4x6 conference room interviewing for hedge fund X. Across from me was your typical preppy boy portfolio manager (lets call him Joe) who seems annoyed that he had to be pulled away from his 6-screen bloomberg terminal to meet the likes of me. What difference does it make for him anyway? A peon is a peon and the lowest of the totem pole who would gladly be eating up all the shit he craps out anyways. He was scaned through my resume listlessly and asked me the customary "3 Whys" (Why finance, Why us, and Why You) and I was also on auto-pilot spewing the same glorfiied BS I gave to other firms. These days, I try to mix it up a bit just for kicks and have a bevy of answers kinda like a menu at Mickey Ds.

Lemme see. I'll start off with the "It was been my dream to be a trader since I was 5 yrs old, where I would scan the newspapers stock performance through the newspaper with my dad - it was how my father and I bonded. God bless him as he is not with us anymore *sniff*"

A 5 second pause to add a bit of drama...

Then I have a choice of A: "I'm a hardcore workaholic and my only fault is demanding 120% from myself"; B: "I've got nothing left to prove at my old place and I am here coz I wanna move on to the next level (ie. get paid bitch!)"; or C: "The politics at my old place was getting too stressful. I just wanna be at a simple horiztonal work environment, where i can focus 100% and make money."

Would you like fries with that? Eat it and weep bitch!

Anyways, I could go on for pages about my interviewing skills but that is not the point of this story, so I digress...

As Joe thanked me for wasting 1 hr of his precious time and escorted me to the door (where I'm sure I will never be back ever again), his eyes suddenly glanced behind me and a glimmer shot into his eye and suddenly his ho-hum demeanor sprang into life! I curiously tracked his sight and saw sitting at the entrance sofa a sleazy hot female who was here probably for MY job too. She was probably around 5'5", slightly colored long hair and fairly pedestrian looking face to be honest. I could not comprehend what caught the guy's attention until she stood up and I understood immediately. She was wearing a black dress that was 3.5 cm above the knee and tightly cusped around her ass; a shirt that had the buttons bursting at all the right place (ie. the bust) with the second button casually unbuttoned that were sending all the right signals.

Alright, time for me to cross hedge fund X off my list, there is no way I am getting the job over this hot tamali. Which brings me to my point:

How am I supposed to compete for a job when 7/10 looking girls are ahead of me just coz they...wait for it..SLUT IT UP! I was fuming for a while about how unfair the world is, but after thinking it through and wondering, "What would I do in Joe's shoes?" I have to agree that I'd probably pass myself up for someone I can eye-fuck day in day out. Actually come to think of it, S.I.U is the solution for all of womankind's troubles.

Can't find a job? S.I.U!
Can't pay for rent and need a place to crash? S.I.U
Wanna go to NYC for the summer sale but can't pay for airfare and room? S.I.U
Wanna get in the hippest new club without paying for drinks? S.I.U
Eyeing the 19658th monogram variation of the LV bag? S.I.U

All of world's troubles could be resolved by S.I.U. If you put Kim Jong Il in a room with my girl Jessica Biel, Scarlett Johansson, Adriana Lima, et al for 5 minutes; he would disarm his nukes in an instant. Guaranteed or your money back.

So all you jobless ho's out there who are competing for the same jobs as me. I don't blame ya if you S.I.U - if those are the rules of engagement, so be it. But let me tell ask you this, can you build a mini-merger model with MACROS in 2 hours? I didn't think so.

The Thing About Employment Is... - by Lazy Dude

See the thing about being employed is...no one even thinks being employed is fun. I mean, sure there are people who love their "job" but those are CEOs, professional athletes (sometimes) or pornographers. But by and large for the rest of us we don't go to work because it's fun.

Hey you know who else doesn't take around-the-world hot air balloon adventures, or learn to break dance, or rescue kids in third world countries? THE PEOPLE WHO WORK. You know why? Because they have to be some place all the time. Did you notice how the old dude in UP didn't go on his magical adventure until he was retired? You see how his only companion for the trip was a kid who, although ostensibly selling magazines (or whatever) is still a student? You know why? Cause they were not members of the working class. Shit, that old man had his hot air balloon ride AND rescued that same kid when they were in a third world country - all in 2 hours even. Don't tell me unemployed people don't do that. I have proof!

Oh, but seriously, it must be tough to roll out of bed whenever you want. It must be equally hard to get out of your sleeping pajamas and into your lounging pajamas before your long day of facebook stalking and watching tv. But you should already know why being employed sucks. When you have to wake up early to meet a client who decides to dick around for an hour after the appointed time before showing up, and when he finally shows up you have to smile, kiss his ass and pretend like waiting was fun and you had nothing better to do because HE is the center of your universe. And you know if you don't get the project done on time because your client doesn't get back to you the shitstorm hits you and not him. Evidently he invested in a super umbrella from brookstone.

You know what else is stressful? Having a job and keeping it. Those positions you're interviewing for are probably already occupied. You know who's stressed? The dude you're trying to replace. And I know you've heard the term work-related stress. That shit didn't come out of nowhere. Not only is there the stress from possibly losing your job, there's also the stress from your ACTUAL job. Kind of like your neat hypothetical about being unemployed is like having a VP who knows nothing micromanaging the shit out of you. You know who actually has VPs who know nothing that are omniscient and super cool and micromanage the shit out of them allow their employees the freedom to express themselves? Oops, sorry boss, didn't see you there. Anyways, it's we, the employed. So next time you start bitching about your 6 month vacation consider the only black stone I know is the one forming in my kidney and about to fuck shit up on its way out of my urethra. From work-related stress, of course.

Unemployment: Day 122 - by Lazy Guy

Some say that being unemployed is fun. Yah, about as fun as licking a donkey's asshole!

Most everyone has a list of things they want to do if they were unemployed. Some examples include traveling around the world in a hot air balloon, learning how to drive stick shift, break dance, save some kids in third world countries, skydive, become a whore, etc., etc. But what people fail to realize is NOBODY DOES ANY OF THIS $HIT WHEN THEY ARE UNEMPLOYED.

Think about it, have you met up with any of your unemployed friends and heard, "Yup, just got back from my three month hot-air balloon ride! Motherfucker almost popped so I just kept farting into it to keep it going." Or maybe, "Yah I'm just gonna be a whore until I find a job." Well maybe the latter but definitely not the former.

And the problem is because unemployed people are too stressed out about finding a job to actually enjoy all these things. Sure I want to go on a hot-air ballon ride around the world, but will there be 3G cell phone reception in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean? What if recruiters call? What if Goldman calls? What if Blackstone calls and wants a face to face interview the next day? I'll have to pop this motherfuckin' ballon! Worse yet, how are my high scores on Geo Defense gonna get uploaded to the server!?!

It's just a hope, but hey, things happen when you least expect it right? In the meantime, looking for a job is ... hard. Hard is an understatement. Imagine looking for a little piece of fly shit in a barrel of pepper. And instead of being able to use your hands or a tweezer, you're wearing boxing gloves. Confused? Let me put it in a way you bankers can understand. Imagine you're building a merger model of two $hit companies (like always) but your company has just installed the new Microsoft Office so none of your old Excel shortcuts work. On top of that, your VP, who knows nothing (like always), is standing right behind you micromanaging the $hit out of you. Then on top of that, imagine ten monkeys are jumping around, making noise, farting in your face, and one of them just ate your mouse. Model now, motherfucker.

I guess the hardest part is realizing that as an ex-banker you have no real marketable skills except bullshitting in blogs that nobody will read. Hopefully someone at Blackstone will read this, pity me, and offer me a job.