Unemployment Day 173 - By Lazy Dude

Number of days unemployed: 173

Number of interviews: 23

Number of offers: ZERO

Let's face it, it's STILL a tough market out there, ESPECIALLY with girls running around in short tops and shirts making senior bankers cream in their pants. I gotta go the EXTRA mile. In that regard, I have draft a cover letter that I am now sending along with my stellar CV. Have a look!

Dear [Bank],

Thank you for taking the time to review my resume. I also wanted to take this opportunity to quickly introduce myself and give some additional color on my background and experience.

Passion:

Banking is my passion. My father was a banker, his father was a banker and his father's father was a banker. A family heirloom - a solid gold tablet - tells of an ancestor who collected "tributes" from peasants and lent it back to them at very high rates of interest. If the borrowers didn't pay back they would "disappear." It was a simpler and better time. Had he also employed derivative contracts and destroyed the Asia economy... well then he would have essentially inventing the modern day banking system. If elephants with swollen feet wore shoes, that would be the size I have to fill...

Experience:

I worked three-years at a top-tier investment bank where I basically lorded over like a king. My modeling skills are unparalleled. Look, I know a lot of tier-1 "wanna-bes," "posers," and "real tier-1 haters" SAY they are good at modeling, but in reality they cling on to their mouse like they do to mediocrity. Half the keys on my modeling keyboard have been ripped out, mostly as the result of repeatedly bashing it over the heads of tier-2 monkeys, to allow me to model faster. Let me put it into perspective: If modeling were say a dinosaur, I'd be a T-Rex - the biggest baddest motherfker around. If it were say an element on the periodic table, I'd be Cesium (CS) - the biggest baddest motherfker around. If it were say an analyst at a real top-tier investment bank, well I'd be myself - the biggest baddest motherfker around. Is it clear to you now?

Personal:

To me 120+ work weeks were like a walk in the park full of cakes, lollipops and rainbows. And while tier-2 analysts complained and dropped like fat girls at a Victoria's Secret party, I trained my body to convert coffee into energy at the efficiency of E=MC(2). Naturally during my time off, I've accomplished more than a Noble Laureate would in an entire lifetime.

Month 1 - I organized a charity trip to Taipei with several of my friends. Needless to say, several underprivileged, impoverished ladies, most of whom would not have gone to college, now have the funds to pay for the educations.

Month 2 - Trained with Shaolin monks on Shaolin mountain. Learned the "Iron Balls" technique. Kicked Jet Li's ass after four weeks of INTENSE training.

Month 3 - Focus was on body and form. Hit the gym for several hours a day. Drank protein shakes like I was suckling on Miranda Kerr's breast. Learned how to break dance and set to appear as Usher's "dance double" in his upcoming video (because that clown can't dance in real life).

Month 4 - Furthered the Keynesian Economic Model in the paper "The Trickle Down Theory is Like Getting Pissed on and I'm the One with my Fly Open."

Month 5 - Trained with Master Yoda on Dagobah. Promoted to Jedi Master. Mind-trick will come in handy in winning banking business in PRC and getting ladies back to the crib.

Month 6 - Swoon through the stacks and stacks of banking offers to determine which bank, if any, should be blessed with my supreme presence.

Success:

The millions of dollars in business I will bring in will be the product of one very simple concept, the parabola. For you public school educated folk, a parabola is the shape of a boob turned upward so the nipple faces the sky. In short, I will take CEOs on a wild roller-coaster ride where the final stop will ultimately be them handing over millions in fees.

First point of the parabola - handshake handshake and handshake. After a year of employment, call up any important CEO in Asia and asked them if they have shook my hand. The answer will be simple, "GAN, 当然有." Second point of the parabola- excessive flattery. The onslaught of compliments will be so thick he will feel like he's on a weekend trip with his third or four mistress. Third point of the parabola- gouging of fees. At this point he will feel so high he will sign anything. And if he doesn't I'll use the Jedi Mind Trick to make him sign, plus a 1% hike for my troubles.

Conclusion:

At this point you've probably realized that an interview is not even necessary. So go ahead and just post your offer letters into this post and I'll respond accordingly, if it deserves my attention. Thank you for your time.

Regards,

Lazy Dude.